Love is Love

I’ve been thinking a lot this week about love, what with all the controversy polluting the news stations about whether or not to ban gay marriage. The fact that there are people in this country and throughout the world that feel the need to restrict some people’s ability to express their love doesn’t make me angry. It makes me want to cry.

I am a person who was brought up with only the bare minimum of religious beliefs. I was raised by parents who never told me what to believe or how to live my life. I grew up around individuals who lived their life in direct contradiction to the rest of the world...and to this day, those are the happiest people I have ever come across. As a result of my rather free spirited upbringing, I feel that I became a more open minded and non-judgmental individual

Naturally, there are plenty of opinions, lifestyles, and belief systems that I don’t agree with. But if people are hell bent and determined to believe those things and live their life that way, I say fuck what the rest of the world thinks and go live your life. And because I have spend the majority of my life being tormented and ostracized for being different and living my life in a way that often goes against the majority, I feel very strongly about the fact that you do have to ignore what the rest of the world thinks and simply live.

Then there is the notion of LOVE. Love, in any conceivable form, is a blessing to be cherished and preserved when you find it. There are people in this world that walk the streets alone without the love of a friend or family to call them back home. There are people who pray every night and then cry themselves to sleep because they want the companionship and devotion from someone they can call their own. And the thing is, some people simply never find these things. Some people never find love. And even if they do, the likelihood of that love working out and preserving them till the end of their days is often dismal.

But there are people who do find love. And it is eternal. And one day they decide that they want to take vows before the other to declare that love and their commitment to one another.  But there are people right at this very moment who are trying to make that option illegal. And they are doing so purely because some of these individuals are considered “different” and “abnormal” and “against God.” Apparently they are threatening the sanctity of the sacrament of marriage.

I believe that everyone is entitled to their own belief system, even those who believe that gay marriage is a sin. But it’s not just their beliefs that anger me, it’s the fact that so many of them stem from some sort of religious conviction. I’m not exactly a religious person, but I do know a few things about God.

I’ve sat in church many a times and listened to preachings echoing from a podium. And Christianity’s savior, Jesus Christ, was a man who called every willing person to him to hear the word of God. He did not discriminate against one’s station in life, their current religious affiliations, their occupation, or their past offenses. Christ is a man who died for the forgiveness of every single person’s sins. And he did it in an act of unconditional love for all. And God is responsible for creating each and every one of us....he did so in his own image as they say. He made each of us different, and I believe he did so deliberately. If we were all the perfect specimens of humanity, there would be no need for God and Jesus wouldn’t have had to die. He made no mistake in creating some us straight and some of us gay. And I don’t think he made any of us with the intention of having us walk this earth alone devoid of love. He loves us....and I know he tries to bring some sort of love into each of our lives. If a person happens to be gay but they are lucky enough to find love, does it really make sense that God would be opposed to it---a God who sent his only son to earth just to teach us about unconditional love?

To me, love is love. And it appears in as many different forms as there are stars in the heaven and individuals on the earth. To preach out against any one of its forms, goes against everything Jesus taught us. It goes against everything spoken of in church every Sunday. Everyone has a right to be here and share in this life God created for us, and so too everyone has a right to love...regardless of how different or abnormal seeming that love may be.

And if gay marriage truly does go against the will of God, then those people will have time to answer for their sins when God calls them away from this life. That may be their cross to bear, but it is certainly no one else’s. So why worry about it? Someone else’s salvation or damnation is in the hands of God. He will make the final call.  So to those being discriminated against, keep fighting the good fight and living your life as you see fit. And to those discriminating, I’d worry about spending more time working on your relationship and standing with God....because we are all light years from achieving his perfection.    

The Power of Envy

I think that everyone at some point in their life has lamented over feelings of failure and the accompanying hopelessness that no matter how hard they work, things will never change. I, personally, have been struggling with this a lot lately as have a few people close to me.

In recent years, I have watched several friends either land their dream job or venture into daring business endeavors. All have reaped nothing short of success and happiness from their pursuits. And while I don’t like to place too much emphasis on this point, monetarily, they make me look like the office bitch working 600,000 people below Bill Gates.  I have tried to be there for each of their big moments with praises and words of congratulations and good luck. Secretly, however, I’ve wanted to slap each of them hard across the face and scream, “That should be me!”  Just kidding! It’s not that I’m not happy for them, because I sincerely wish for nothing but happiness and good tidings for every person in my life; it’s just that sometimes I want to be selfish instead and focus on my own status quo.

I hate the feeling of envy worse than practically anything. You know you’re supposed to be happy about other people’s accomplishments, and you want to be, but then that damn feeling of jealousy creeps up and makes you feel like a bad person. The thing I have slowly come to realize, however, is that there are generally two types of jealous people in the world. There are those who play the part of the victim, walking around all day wondering why them and not me?  Yet they do absolutely nothing to change their circumstances. And then there is the other type….the one I think I more appropriately fall into. The other types are the people who don’t wonder why them and not be, but WHEN will it be me? These are the people who, despite a number of setbacks, discouraging remarks and momentary feelings of doubt, have trudged ahead in pursuit of their dreams working their ass off every step along the way. These people are like butterfly cocoons in spring….on the verge of bursting wide open and revealing something truly breathtaking.  

So basically the big difference amongst envious people is that some are productive and others aren’t. Are there people in my life I look at and feel extremely jealous over because of their accomplishments, success, and wealth? Absolutely. But do I ever look at them and think that that very same reality is impossible for me? NEVER! All of these successful people I keep referring to are extremely hard working, driven individuals. They earned every single thing they have. That’s one thing I will never joke about. But among these people, there isn’t a single one of them that I don’t 100% know that I can work just as hard as if not harder some days. So I know that all of the things they’ve achieved, I can also….it’s just taking me a tad longer.

I still feel jealous….and I still hate that I feel that way some days. But I keep trying to remind myself that I can either be a victim and stand on the sidelines giving people dirty looks for all that they have. Or I can use my pissed off feelings as motivation to work even harder at garnering some of that same success in my own life. Because just as my dad has always told me, he credits all of the success he’s had in his life to Elvis Presley. He looked at where Elvis started and how hard he worked to get where he ended up and became inspired to pursue his own dreams with as much determination. There’s nothing wrong with being envious, but use it towards your advantage.

See As God Sees

It is not often that I hear something said at church that lingers with me after I leave. But last week, the priest said something during his homily that pulled me out of a daze and made me pay closer attention. And a week later, I still find my thoughts drifting back to his words.

He said, “God sees not as we see.” Or rather, while humans see the appearance of things, God has the capacity to look into our hearts and see the ultimate truth.

God sees not as we see......it’s a statement that I believe to be true and that I think any person of faith would concur with. But what made me keep coming back to those words in the week that followed is my even stronger conviction that humans also have the capacity to see as God see---perhaps not to the same extent, but I do believe it is possible. It is a rare person who can see through such eyes. And to come by such a gift is no doubt the result of a certain amount of struggle, loss, and sacrifice.

Everyone, myself included, judge people everyday. And we often do so based on appearances alone. We look at a person standing on the street corner clutching a dirty and crumpled cardboard sign. Their eyes are hollow, yet they search the stream of cars passing by. Most of us drive by, pretending we don’t see them, and silently dismiss them as lazy, worthless individuals. But have you ever driven by and actually met their gaze---actually wondered what their story is. Because if I’ve learned anything in this life, it’s that everyone does have a story and that things are rarely what they seem.

Do you have a best friend, girlfriend, husband, son/daughter or sibling that you think you know inside and out? Are you there for them whenever they call? Do you stand beside them through good times and bad? Would you give away everything you have before you’d see harm come to them? That’s called unconditional love. It’s something most of us feel for at least a few people in our lives. The problem is that most of us only demonstrate this love towards people who love us back. But what about all of the other people in our lives....the ones who let us down and often abandon us at the drop of a hat? What about the ones who drain us of all the love we have to give but are never there in our time of need? What about the people we barely know? What about the people who stand on the street corner holding those cardboard signs?

You may never have realized it, but those people in your life you do love unconditionally, you are actually seeing them as God sees them. You see all of their flaws and inadequacies, but you love them nonetheless. You see the tears on their heart long before they migrate up to their eyes. You recognize when they make mistakes but automatically forgive them. But God isn’t selective in whom he chooses to see this way. He sees each and every one of us through the same eyes.....eyes of unavoidable clarity, undeniable compassion, and endless forgiveness. It is the way we need to try and view the whole world, not just the pretty parts.

Christ is perfection exemplified. He holds a standard none of us will ever match, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try for it. It is easy to love the people who love us back. It is easy to not pass judgment on those people who’ve always had your back. But the path to enlightenment, inner peace, and eternal bliss is never going to be the easy one. Learn to look beyond the appearance of things and people---knowing that you will never fully understand someone’s story until you have walked in their shoes. Learn to extend a hand of love to people you don’t know/don’t like/don’t understand. There is a very real possibility that you will never receive anything in return from these individuals, but no act of kindness or love is ever a waste in this world. I know a lot of rich people, successful people, and happy people. But despite all these people have, deep down they still all want the same thing I think the loners, misfits, and beggars of this world want----to be shown love, compassion and someone who isn’t afraid to meet their gaze.

None of us will ever really be able to see as God sees, but if we are willing and purposeful, he may just give us a glimpse every once and a while. Just think how different the world would be if all of us tried it for one day?   

Don't let the word "CANT" define you

This afternoon I started thinking about choices. But more importantly I pondered about the freedom, or lack thereof, we have to make choices in life, whether they be about relationships, jobs, lifestyles, etc. The thing about the choices we make is that every single person in our life is going to have an opinion about them and the rationale we used to come to them. And more often than not, people are not going to agree with the paths we choose to go down and they make damn sure we know it.  I always try to respect people’s opinions and listen to their advice, even if I don’t agree with it. But I can’t help but wonder how often we stop listening to the desires of our own heart and instead conform to the opinions of those around us. Is it because it is easier than fighting for what we really want? Because we want people to think well of us? Or is it because we live in a society where the majority tends to rule and dissention is unacceptable. All of the above and then some are probably culprits, but either way the facts remain. This truth about the real dictators of people’s choices in life has been a hard reality for me to swallow for most of my life.

There was a time when I had to hear the heart-wrenching words from a boy I liked that he couldn’t date me because of how it would look to the other girls at school. What he meant to say was because of my so-called “rank” in high school society, it would be unacceptable for him to be seen with me. That was the moment I realized how truly different I was, and instead of trying to conform to win this guy or anyone else over, I pushed myself into a hard sprint in the opposite direction. I have never once looked back.

There isn’t a single person in my life that I haven’t given 100% of myself to. I do my best to always support and stand up for people, encourage them, and be there for them before they even realize they really need someone to help them. But a lot of these people, while grateful and appreciative in the moment, often forget about me moments later. I don’t want a gold star for the things I’ve done because my only motivation for doing them was love. I do, however, wish that people wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss me out of their lives just because other people tell them they shouldn’t associate with me. I wish these people would still meet my eyes on the street instead of walking by and pretending they don’t know me.

I have also been told before that the relationships and friendships I want with some people, CAN’T happen. After bandaging the wound from the initial blow of these words, I did what a typical writer would do and actually analyzed their words. I find it interesting how often people have said the word CAN’T to me about one thing or another. If they had said WON’T then I would respect the fact that that was their decision and I’d move on. But they use the trickier word, can’t, which tells me immediately that other people are making their decision in those moments. And while that reality stings, the truly sad part to me is that these people have surrendered their freedom of choice.

I understand that there are often severe and irreversible consequences from going against the grain, but the consequences that scare me more are those that come from conformity and bowing down to ultimatums. The people I’m closest to are very blunt about the fact that they don’t always understand how I live my life or why I befriend and stay true to some of the people I do. But they have come to respect my choices nonetheless because of how firm I stand by them and how much I’m willing to sacrifice for them.

The way I see it, you only get one shot at this life and I wouldn’t want to come to the end of it and realize that I lived it according to other people. People are always going to judge you, and give you ultimatums and try and tell you what the “right” thing to do is. You should always take the time to hear what people have to say, but in the end you need to do what’ s right for you, even if that means pissing off everyone else. The thing about other people’s choices are, you don’t have to like them but you sure as hell need to respect them---especially when you see them fighting for even just one of them harder than you’ve ever thought of fighting for anything in your life. And if someone ever steps in and fights battles for things in your life that you don’t have the strength to fight for, don’t ever let that person go because only a true person would step into a losing battle when they have nothing to gain but everything to lose.

In God's Country

A few weeks ago I headed out with four fun loving gents on a Friday afternoon with our sights set on the coolest town in America---Cooke City. We had three days of snowmobiling planned and we couldn’t reach the powder fast enough. I hung my head out the back window of the truck the whole drive down...loving every rush of the February air on my face. With my new Nikon camera slung around my neck, I couldn’t snap pictures fast enough.....of the bison nudging their snout against the snow to dig up a few meager blades of grass.....of the snow capped peaks I hoped to be hill-climbing the next day...of the sun setting amongst clouds tinted rose and amethyst.

The next two days were pure bliss. I loved waking up in the morning to the braaaap, braaaap sound of sleds warming up outside and heading down main street in search of endless powder. I loved that there was absolutely no cell service and I could just work on getting back in touch with nature and the things I love most about life. I loved that the cafe we had breakfast at in the morning was also a bakery....and a sled rental shop....and a snowmobile gear store. I loved that everyone you walked by looked content and you just knew that they were living in that moment and not throwing a single thought to the day they would have to pack up and head home.

The first day and a half that we rode was overcast, snowy, and overall quite gloomy. But then Sunday afternoon, as I was flying across an open meadow we were playing in, the clouds parted and the sun broke through like a long lost prayer answered. All of the snow turned to crystals that reflected the sun’s warmth and shine onto my smiling face. The mountain ranges surrounding us appeared through the lifting haze. I think all five of us stopped riding for a moment to take in all the beauty around us that had been veiled just moments before. Then we tore off riding, drifting through every unmarked patch of snow we could find....not wanting to waste a single second of the light we knew could disappear any moment.

As I rode, my grandfather’s voice whispered through my mind. Whenever I go riding with him up Huckleberry Pass in Lincoln, he always stops at some point and just sits on his sled. He flips his helmet visor up and looks around him. After a few minutes he always smiles and says, “This is God’s country.” As I cruised through the powder and shot up the steep hillsides, his words rang out just as true here as in the trees of Lincoln. I was truly in God’s country.

It is days like those I spent in Cooke City where I am reminded that for me, God will never be an entity I seek out in a four walled church. For me, God is all around me at every moment of every day. But he is especially present to me in the uncharted mountains and forests that I seek to explore, be it by dirt bike, four-wheeler, or sled. There are no rules in nature and no societal expectations or obligations to bind you. High up in the mountains, you see the world the way I believe God intended us to. And a person is free to be whoever they really are, without fear or hesitation.

Days like those in Cooke make me wish I never had to go home. Of course I’d miss all my loved ones, but anyone who really knows me knows that I belong in the mountains and amongst the trees, and in the flowing rivers and streams. My heart has always been married to the landscapes that define Montana. In the dark moments of my life, I will always remember those three glorious days riding in Cooke where the land is still untamed and uncharted....where bison still roam without any conception of the civilized world just beyond the mountains. I was free that day. I was whole that day. I rode next to God that day.