“God has chosen you for baptism.”
These words were first spoken to me a
few weeks prior to Easter as I underwent my first scrutiny. The
moment I heard them I was hit by the weight of the truth behind them.
When I first announced that I wanted to
be baptized into the Catholic Church, the general assumption of many
people in my life was that my decision was in direct relation to my
Catholic boyfriend of 8 years. They assumed that the reason he hadn’t
proposed to me yet was that he wanted me to become Catholic first.
They assumed that I had finally succumbed to the pressures of the
so-called judgmental Catholics trying to convert the world. Of all
the battles I have fought in the year leading up to my baptism, that
one was the hardest and most frustrating. It was difficult because it
couldn’t have been further from the truth.
Within the first month of dating Andy,
I told him quite bluntly that I would never become Catholic just
because I married a Catholic or had children with a Catholic. To me,
conversion to any religion for such reasons does a great dishonor to
the faith. And I simply have too much respect for religion and faith
of any denomination to do such a thing.
Over the last few years though, I began
recognizing God’s calling in me. But I waited until it felt
right…..until I knew it was entirely my decision and that it was
what God truly wanted for me. The feeling grew so strong that I could
no longer ignore it. And from the moment I first approached Deb,
the Director of Faith Formation at St. Mary’s, and told her I
wanted to be baptized I grew more reassured of my decision and of
God’s calling in me with each passing day.
The past 9 months or so of preparation
for coming into full communion with the church have been some of the
most humbling, reflective, and inspirational days of my life. Through
weekly Mass and daily Bible readings on my own time, I came to
realize that I have been trying to walk in Christ’s footsteps for
much longer than I realized. My attempts to love unconditionally,
forgive religiously, and give the very best of myself to everyone I
meet…..even if those efforts are never reciprocated…are means of
following Christ’s example on Earth. And the backlash I have often
received from trying to live this way no longer deters me when I look
at the immense suffering and death Christ endured for some of the
same reasons. I have spent a great deal of my life feeling
misunderstood and outcasted, but I found a welcoming home and place
of belonging at St. Mary’s and within the Catholic faith.
From the day I first publically
addressed the congregation of my desire for baptism in October, I was
embraced with open arms by everyone. And as we moved into Lent, the
love and sense of family I felt from the church only grew stronger. I
had people come up to me after Mass to tell me that they were praying
for me and thought what I was doing was so amazing, particularly
because I was the only one who was to be baptized. For that reason, I
worried early on that I would feel very alone in the process, but the
church community kept that from happening. At the start of Holy Week,
I received messages from several people telling me that they were
thinking of and praying for me. I even had a co-worker send me a
video of a beautiful Easter rendition of the song “Halleluiah.” I
have never been so stunned in my entire life than I was by the
immense compassion and love I received from the Catholic community in
Helena as I neared the Easter Vigil. I was embraced and accepted
completely and without hesitation. I have never before experienced
such automatic acceptance by any one person, let alone an entire
church community.
The night of the Easter Vigil, April
19, 2014, will always hold the place as the best night of my life. I
have wanted to be baptized for a long time, but entering into that
sacrament with complete certainty that it was what I wanted and
knowing that I was answering God’s calling, made it that much more
amazing.
When I first stepped into the font,
everything and everyone around me disappeared. When Father pushed my
head underwater, all I remember was hearing his words of “I baptize
you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy
Spirit.” The water covered my face and head and with each plunge
under I felt a greater sense of peace enter my heart. When I rose up
after the third time, I kept my eyes closed and felt the water run
down my face. I didn’t want to open my eyes because I wanted to
breathe in and feel that moment for as long as possible. I am one of
the privileged few who will be able to remember that moment of
baptism when the Holy Spirit first descends upon them. When I did finally open my eyes, Father's hand was extended down to help me up. I didn't look up to see that it was Father's hand, and truthfully, a piece of me in that moment believed it was Jesus' hand outreached to help me up into my new life.
For the remainder of the Vigil after my
baptism I felt nothing but immense freedom, peace, and joy. When I
first walked down the aisle in my white rope after changing, I felt
like a halo of light must’ve been surrounding me for all the
happiness I felt. When Father anointed my head with oil and confirmed
me, I felt like all of the scattered and broken pieces of my life
were fused together in an unbreakable bond. When I went up and
received the Eucharist for the first time, I finally felt the
significance of that sacrament and was reminded in a profound way of
what Christ did for me. Truly feeling His sacrifice makes me want to
work so much harder in my own life now to prove to him that His
sacrifice was worth it…..that giving His life so that I might live
was worth it.
The Vigil was a night that took me 27
years to get to…..and it was over much too quickly. When I finally
got back home later that night about 1 a.m. I sat down and opened the
dozens of cards and gifts that people had given me. There was so much
generosity. After I posted on Facebook,
“Baptized….Confirmed…Catholic,” I watched as over 70 of my
friends liked my status and congratulated me over the next two days.
And the astounding thing is, a lot of those people aren’t even
Catholic. But their actions spoke volumes…..that faith in God or something greater than ourselves is a
universal thing and anyone who is brave enough to walk in that divine light
is someone to be admired and praised.
Being baptized and coming into full
communion with the Church left me feeling so many things. I stood in
front of my mirror at home later that night in my white dress for the
longest time---just looking at myself and feeling the weight of the
grace and forgiveness I had just received. For me, being baptized
felt like God lifted away all of the burdens and brokenness from my
life. It felt like He had built an impenetrable wall between where I
was now standing and my past. He left me with a clean slate and a
second chance to do better. I have spent so long dwelling on people
and things that will likely never change. I have dwelled on my
mistakes and inadequacies. But God constructed a wall during my
baptism as a way of separating me from what I was and who I would
become through His love. It felt like he was grabbing my hand and
telling me it was time to move forward with my eyes focused on all
that He still had planned for me. It is a journey I am ready to
begin.
Upon learning that I had finally been
baptized, a friend and fellow Catholic, told me, “Welcome Home.”
If she only knew how much of a home it really feels like to me. I
have found a home at St. Mary’s, with the universal church, and
with Christ. I have finally entered into a home where I am accepted
for who I am----flaws, sins and all. And knowing that has filled me
with a light that will never be extinguished.
I do believe that
God foresaw this night and my communion with Him long ago. All of the
blessings, and obstacles, and individuals He has brought into my life
so far, He did so in order to guide me to this point. God alone
called me to baptism. He alone carried me this far. And He alone will
carry me until I arrive at His most perfect home and kingdom.
