I stumbled upon this line last week after returning home
from Mass on Holy Thursday. For me, it perfectly proclaims what Christians are
called to do, what they strive to do, what they must do…even in the most
difficult of moments.
This Easter, I celebrated my one year anniversary of joining
the Catholic Church. I attended every Mass during Holy Week—just like I did
last year. I served as one of the lectors during the Stations of the Cross on
Good Friday. I watched another young girl be baptized at the Easter Vigil
Saturday evening. It was all so bittersweet.
It truly seems like only yesterday that I was gasping in my
first breath after my head rose up from the water at my own baptism. I remember
walking down the aisle in my white gown and being handed the light of Christ
through my baptismal candle. I remember closing my eyes in prayer as Father
rubbed the Holy Chrism oil on my head and confirmed me. I remember tilting the
chalice up to my lips and tasting the blood of Christ for the first time.
I remember feeling whole…..pure…..saved.
This year on Easter, I felt all of the same things I felt on
my initiation night, but I felt a lot of other things too. Now I feel the full weight
of my commitment. That first step of choosing Christ and to follow in his
footsteps---that’s the easy part. When Jesus called to Peter and Andrew on the
Sea of Galilee, they followed without hesitation. The moment I decided to get
baptized, Easter couldn’t come fast enough. Faith seems so wondrous and
exciting when you first come to it but the real test of your devotion is following
through with that commitment every single day afterwards. And following through
with it in the moments that are devastating, ugly and challenging. That’s the
hard part that the Easter celebration reminds us of.
It was an amazing feeling to have 27 years worth of sins
washed away in one night. But I am still human and my Father is still working
on perfecting me so it didn’t take long for the stains of human sin to return
to my life. I have been tested numerous times in the last year and have
stumbled along most of the way. But now I have my faith to fall back on and
remind me that with God, there is always forgiveness and unconditional love.
The Sacrament of Reconciliation has been one of the more
difficult ones for me. It’s not the confessing my mistakes to a priest that is
hard but accepting that I can be forgiven for all of them. I’ve
arrived at confession before in desperation, I’ve struggled to get the right
words out, I’ve cried so hard I couldn’t get any words out, and I’ve knelt with
my head hung and told the priest what a complete and utter failure I feel like.
But I have always been given reassurance.
A priest told me once that repenting for our sins is like casting a
stone into the ocean—it sinks quickly and is gone forever. I’m trying to learn
that the best any of us can do is to admit when we’re wrong, try to do better
tomorrow, and be compassionate enough to forgive ourselves along the way.
Christianity calls us to change. It calls us to be better,
be stronger. We are called to love our enemies and give forgiveness religiously.
We are called to stand our ground when the rest of the world turns and runs. We
are asked to willingly endure being ostracized, hated, and abused at times. We
are asked to cast aside the plans we had for our lives and the earthly attachments
we think we can’t live without and to take up the blood soaked cross of Christ.
In the past year, I have tried
desperately to do all of these things. I’ve failed at most of them. Some days I
don’t even believe I have what it takes and I worry that I’ve dishonored the
gift of grace I received last year.
I spend most weekends at Mass with my eyes preoccupied on
the crucifix behind the alter. I wonder why He loved us so much and why there
couldn’t have been an easier way. But I constantly remind myself that if one man
could endure that for all of mankind, I have no right to give up on Him or
myself. For He will never give up on me. I was called to baptism last year. God made
that choice…I simply chose to answer His call. So for better or worse, I have
to trust His plan for me. And no matter how many times I fall, I have to get
back up and sling my cross back upon my back…..and hopefully, God will always
be right beside me to help shoulder the load.
Easter, I have come to learn, is a time to recognize your sins
and refuse to be mastered by them and to remember that in order to reach the
glory Christ promised us we must first learn to bear our crosses. It will never
be easy, but then again, flowers rarely bloom on the smooth, paved road of
convenience and convention.
No matter your current relationship or standing with God, no
matter whether you live a whole and pure life or relentlessly get drawn back
into sin………remember to forever rejoice in hope, endure in affliction and
persevere in prayer.
