Extinguishing Doubt

It’s said that the greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. This has always proved true for me. It’s actually an inside joke between my husband and I that if he wants to get me to do something he simply suggests it’s beyond my capabilities to do it. He, of course, knows this will kick my stubborn nature into high gear and I’ll go and do it if for no other reason than to wipe the taunting grin off his face. But throughout the years I’ve come to realize that the truest pleasure is not, in fact, derived from doing what others say you can’t…but from doing what you’ve convinced yourself you cannot do.

In recent months a promising potential business deal has landed in front of me and slowly nudged its way from being an ambitious dream to a near reality. I’ve spent the past few months formulating dozens of seemingly legitimate reasons why I think this potential business is a terrible idea. Not one of them has anything to do with the business itself, but rather with me. I’ve tried to convince myself that I don’t have enough knowledge, experience, or tenacity to pull it off.  In my mind, I’ve reduced my potential and worth in this endeavor down to a smidgen not much larger than a mustard seed. And it has frustrated the hell out of me.

But then a few days ago, while pounding out some miles at the gym, I had a series of revelations which shifted my mindset from one of contagious fear to hopeful ambition. With every step and drop of sweat I surrendered to the treadmill, another key memory struck me that reminded me just how much potential and tenacity really does exist within me. 

My earliest memory dated back to over two decades ago when I attending Four Georgians Elementary School with my best friend, Jamie. We were avid rock fort builders at recess…pretty much the queens reigning dominion over the outskirts of the playground where the forts were built. But one day, word spread across the playground that school administrators had decided to demo the region where our forts existed and level our architectural masterpieces to the ground. While other kids shrugged and accepted the authority of the adults above us, Jamie and I were determined not to go down without a fight. 

So we started a petition, which in one recess assembled 190 signatures. Much to mine and Jamie’s fears we were summoned to the principal’s office at the end of the day. While we expected to be suspended or worse, we were met by a stunned and approving look on the principal’s face. She told us she was so impressed with our efforts that she decided to forgo the plans to demo the hillside housing our rock forts. We were ecstatic! A few days later, the picture below appeared in the daily paper. It was a testament to the world that anything is possible, regardless of age, authority, or hopeless state of a situation as long as you believe in yourself and the dreams in your heart.

 Flash forward to around 18 or 19 years old and I found myself neck deep in the chaos and academic hell of college. While I had always been a successful student, college was a game changer and pushed my scholarly skills to the limit. I found myself confronting daunting classes like Western Civilization, Human Biology and Algebra…..classes I was personally told by other students were nearly impossible to get As in. But like I said earlier, I love nothing more than proving people wrong. So with my teeth grit and head bore down, I trucked through with uncanny determination. I went so far as to begin studying for a class over Christmas break just so I was ahead of the game come the start of the semester. All the hard work paid off in the end, however, when I graduated college summa cum laude after receiving a 4.0 GPA my entire college career. 

 A year out of college, with my energy levels revived, I sought a new challenge for myself. It came on two spindly tires and a seat that no butt was designed to sit on for hours on end. I began road biking on a brand new Trek hybrid bike. After a few months of diligent biking during the week, I set my sights on a ride to test my strength, endurance, and sanity. I planned to ride from Helena to Lincoln in one day, which was approximately 76 miles. To avid cyclists this would seem like no big deal, but for me, it was nearly incomprehensible.

 I was the student in high school gym class that was always the last one around the track and who looked for any excuse possible to be exempt from the week’s hellish physical torture. I was the one who after my freshman year of college could barely run one block without feeling like I was going to keel over while gasping for air. Yet there I was determined to embark on a feat of physical endurance unlike anything I had experienced before. Ready or not, my journey began on a hot summer day, the 1^st of August to be exact. Over 7 hours later, sweaty and covered in road grime, I pulled into Lincoln to the smiles and cheers of my parents. Like most hard things, it seemed impossible until it was done.  

 All of the endurance that evolved from my many epic bike rides must’ve truly thickened my hide by a few layers because a few years later, I allowed my father to talk me into joining a novice hockey league at the local rink. I had never played a game of hockey in my life but thought, “how hard could it be?” After purchasing the multitude of padded gear and a brand new pair of hockey skates, I found myself waiting to step onto the ice for my very first game. I recall watching part of the game scheduled just before ours and seeing two players slam into the glass right in front of me in a brutal fight over the puck. I wondered what in hell I’d been thinking. My legs were literally shaking when I finally stepped onto the ice to play….especially when I realized I was one of the only girls playing. I was a fantastically terrible player that first game but a fire of passion was lit inside me for the sport. Now, four seasons later, I wonder what I ever did before I played hockey. And whether there are five other girls on the ice or just me, I don’t feel a bit intimidated to play.

 In between my cycling and hockey feats, I also worked tirelessly at developing my writing career. Unlike many of the other English majors I graduated with, I refused to take the more straight shot and secure career path of becoming a teacher. I wanted to write and that’s exactly what I’ve spent the last 6 years since college doing. I do not write full time or make a living off it by any means, but I have scarcely gone a month since graduating without receiving at least one paid writing assignment. And each year, I have managed to wedge my work into new publications. There are some weeks when I juggle two or three jobs, but I try not to complain because doing so enables me to still do what I love. All along, I’ve always known I could’ve taken an easier or more prosperous route with my degree, but when you find something you love to do, you must always pursue it with fearlessness and resilience.

It’s hard to believe that all of these memories flooded my mind in the mere 45 minutes I was at the gym, but I took them all coming to me that day as a sign. They reminded me that while I have rarely taken the easy routes in life I have yet to see much in the way of failure. What stands out in my mind even more with these particular memories is that within each instance I suffered terrible moments of fear and doubt in my ability to do the things that, in the end, I accomplished. I didn’t have a bunch of people on the sidelines booing me and telling me I should give up. All I really had was my own internal voice telling me I couldn’t do them. While most people can learn to still the voices of doubt from others, it is far more difficult to silence the ones within you. But when you do….that’s when the real wonder and accomplishment begins. 

I don’t yet know what lies ahead for me and all the opportunities that have presented themselves in recent months. But one thing I know for sure is that whatever happens, I never want to know that I walked away from something possibly amazing simply because of fear or doubt in myself. Any other reason might be justified, but not that one. I would rather live out the rest of my days living with the pains at having tried to do something and failed at it than always wondering about what could’ve been when I walk away before even beginning.