Abandonment

With downcast eyes, I smudged a kiss on the chipped white paint of the door. In a hushed tone only my insides could hear, I muttered “thank you,” as I turned to go.

A few weeks ago I closed the front door for the very last time and walked away from the place I’d called home for the past six years. As soon as I was in my car driving away the tears started trickling down. My husband and I had just purchased a beautiful, newly built home to start our life together in, but in that moment, the only home I could think about was the one I was losing—the one I was seemingly abandoning to start the next phase of my life. I was excited and distraught all at the same time to leave my little condo on Overlook Boulevard. 

One of the most profound statements made to me during my college career took place during my capstone seminar class my senior year.  My capstone class was where we workshopped sections of our theses or other current writing projects. During one particular class my professor, Dr. Ron Stottlemyer, discussed the writing process with us. He acknowledged what many of us knew already, which is that writing is a brutal process requiring countless rewrites, throwaways drafts and painstakingly tiny edits. But then he said something I had never considered before…..and have never since forgotten. He explained that a piece of writing can be edited and rewritten indefinitely. The only way a piece ever gets finished is when the writer consciously decides to abandon it.

 

ABANDON. That word clung to the crevices of my mind like briers to your pant leg after roaming about a summer field. It was simple but perfectly illustrated the truth behind the craft. Seven years since graduating I’ve finally come to realize that Dr. Stottlemyer’s words on the inevitable abandonment of a writing piece likewise apply to most every other aspect of life as well. 

One of the only certainties in life is that it is dynamic and ever-changing. Sometimes the change it brings is like an unwelcome guest thrust into our lives without any semblance of notice or invitation. Other times, change is something we choose for ourselves out of hope or desperation. Either way, change compels us to leave things behind……be it fears, regrets, expectations, relationships, jobs, homes or loved ones passed on. Since most of us are creatures of habit by nature, we often fight against losing these things. We usually don’t feel ready. We don’t think we are done yet with those things, places and people that we’ve grown so attached to. We aren’t ready to take the risk….to leave behind the pain. We want one more opportunity, one more photo taken, one more hug, one more kiss, one final word. We want closure of some sort because we think it will help us move forward without wanting to look back.

The truth of the matter though is that nothing is ever really finished. We never get the amount of time with someone we want or deserve. Some hurts never fully heal. Some dreams never leave us even if they never come to fruition. But there comes a time when we need to abandon pieces and people of our life and who we used to be because doing so is the only way to move forward in life. 

While the word “abandonment” tends to bear a negative connotation, I now view it through a different lens because of my professor. The word abandonment carries with it an inherent sense of free will and decisiveness. When you abandon something, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you no longer care about it or want it in your life. Abandonment is simply recognition that you want to take a step forward instead of staying in one place. It means you want something more….something that will better you more than what you currently have. It means you haven’t surrendered yet and that you’re still curious about the next adventure.

Some things in life can last indefinitely if we let them…..much like writing a poem or novel. But we want to eventually turn the page and reach the next chapter. More importantly, we want to be able to look back someday and see a beautiful and complete story. Sometimes abandonment is the only way to finish our story. Each sentence and chapter doesn’t have to end perfectly. The breaks in our life don’t always have to be clean. We might never fully be finished or ready but sometimes we just have to smudge in that period so we can begin the next sentence.