Thursday, January 23, 2014

My Blog's One Year Anniversary!

One year ago today, I hesitantly clicked the publish button on my computer screen and thus published my very first post on this blog. And 37 posts later, I’m still going strong.

I had people tell me for years that I should start a blog, but I always told them I didn’t know what I would write about. And honestly, I didn’t feel like adding any more jobs to my plate, especially when I wouldn’t be getting paid for it. But then something terrible and wonderful happened that made me realize that my job as a writer isn’t really a job at all. 

On February 21, 2012 I received the most heart-wrenching text message of my life. It was from my friend, Joey. He was writing to say that his sister, Theresa, who was in her second battle with leukemia, was probably not going to make it through the day. She was 31 years old. He wanted to write something up about her to commemorate her life. And he wanted me to help him write it. I have never felt more terrified or honored in my life.

Shortly after receiving his text, I left work to drive home. On the way, he texted me again to say that she had passed. As soon as I walked into my house I collapsed on the floor crying harder than I ever have. I cried because I didn’t want him to lose his sister. I didn’t want him shouldered with that kind of pain. And I cried because I didn’t know how to write what he wanted me to write.  In no way did I feel talented enough to do justice to this woman’s life that was clipped too short. The task seemed impossible.

Three days later, I drove to Bozeman and boarded a plane bound for Las Vegas for a birthday getaway I’d planned months prior. I sobbed hysterically the whole drive to Bozeman. I felt torn about wanting to cancel my trip and not knowing how or if I’d be able to write the eulogy. Throughout the trip I kept calling my mom and two best friends saying over and over again that I didn’t think I could do it. And they kept telling me they knew I could. Busy with the funeral planning, I hadn’t heard back from Joey either on when we were going to work on his piece so I just waited and prayed. 

On my second day of being gone, I finally heard from him. He said he would try to write up as much as he could and then email it to me to expand on. In his very emotional state, he was barely able to write anything. And having never met his sister, I didn’t know how I was going to manage. On my Saturday night in Vegas I locked myself in my hotel room, tuned into the music on my iPod, and sat down on the bed in front of a laptop I’d rented from the hotel. The blank page never looked so daunting. For over three hours I sat there crying and writing until it was finished. To this day I don’t know where I found the strength to write that. But I think most of it came from God and from knowing that Joey had trusted in me alone to do this important task.  

I didn’t make it home in time to attend Theresa’s funeral. And I didn’t get to hear Joey read what I wrote. Of all the things I regret in life, those are the two that hurt the most. I’ll never forgive myself for not being there. But as I looked out the small airplane window on the flight home the same day as her funeral, I found some relief in knowing that a part of me was there. I was present in the words that Joey stood up and read. And I think perhaps, those words were even more important than my physical presence. 

Almost one year after Theresa’s passing, my mom told me about a writing contest in a magazine asking readers to write about the day that changed their life. I didn’t have to ponder for even one second what day that was for me. It was, and always will be, February 21, 2012. I only sat down to work on the essay contest once. After about 10 minutes I was crying uncontrollably and I knew I just wasn’t ready to write about it. I felt like a failure because of that. But then a few months later, my old dance teacher said something to me that I’ll never forget. She told me that I needed to do something “Good” with my writing. And the moment she said that, I realized that I had already learned one way of fulfilling that by helping Joey. It wasn’t long after that when I got the idea in my head that I should start a blog. I had no idea what I would write about. My goal was though was to write about things that would honor the gift Theresa’s passing gave to me: the epiphany that I am called to do something good with my writing.    

Now, whenever I sit down to write, I always stop and ask myself the question: does this piece strive towards doing something good….be it for a cause, a person, or something else? And I never, ever start writing without pausing in reflective prayer for a few brief seconds for Joey and Theresa.

I don’t know how many people read this blog, or whether any of my posts have actually meant anything to anyone. But I like to think that some good has come out of it. If nothing else, it has pushed me out of my comfort zone with my writing and forced me to write about some hard things….things that up until now I wasn’t able to write about. And it has given me purpose and a better sense of direction with my writing. This blog is humble and likely not read by that many people, but it has been a step towards something bigger. And the first step in a long journey is often the most important step of all.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Breaking Trail into a New Year

From the first time my dad plopped me down on the seat of a snowmobile, I was hooked. I love the way the engine revs to life with the pull of the cord. I love the sweet aroma of two-stroke billowing out from underneath the sled and wafting into my nostrils. I love how the sled tips and drifts through the snow as I shift the weight of my boots on the iced-over running boards. I love hearing the BRAAAAAAP sound of another rider’s sled pierce the silence haloing the mountains. 
 
But most of all, I love the bottomless drifts of twinkling snow—untouched and majestic—that you only find by climbing switchback roads and daring to venture through the trees. 

You know how surfers wait all day for that perfect wave to set up? Sledders ride all day to find that untouched meadow or hillside that they can carve up with their skiis and tracks. Last Christmas I bought my boyfriend, also an avid snowmobiler, a T-shirt that said “I came. I saw. I ruined the pretty snow.” We sledders do love the pretty snow. But the fun of ruining it is even better.

Last weekend, my dad, boyfriend, another buddy and I unloaded our sleds near Rimini and took off up the trail in search of powder. We found several play areas along the way, but it wasn’t until the end of the day that we hit white gold. 

We came upon a meadow covered in about three feet of fluffy powder without even the slightest dent of a rabbit’s paw print on its surface. The four of us paused for a few seconds to take in the wondrous site as the excitement mounted inside us. Once the moment passed, we squeezed our throttles and barreled out into the snow like kids into the present pile under the tree on Christmas morning. I am only beginning to learn how to carve through the snow and tip my sled up on its side, but in deep powder like that, it’s not hard. The snow cradles the sled as you move throughout it; all you have to do is hold on.  I completely rolled the sled over a few times and was thrown head first into the snow, but I loved the cold softness of it. In only a few minutes, we had crisscrossed up the previously pristine meadow of white. The hoods of our sleds, the running boards, and even parts of our jackets and helmets were dusted with snow.

We decided to take a different trail back to the trucks and trailers, which led us to my favorite part of the day: breaking trail.

On the way back, we came upon a section of trail that barely looked like a trail at all. The snow was virgin and perfect with evergreen trees flanking its sides to mark its course ahead. The boys pulled to the side to let me take the lead for awhile. For me, being the one who gets to break the trail is a blessed job. I didn’t ride fast, but rather, cruised along feeling the weight of the fresh snow push back against the sled. As the sun moved to my back, I smiled and giggled watching my shadow weave back and forth on the trail as snow tumbled up over my hood and windshield.

As I rode, I couldn’t help but think about how breaking that trail is just like starting a New Year. You have a vague sense of direction and what lies before you, but until you start moving, you don’t really know what you’ll encounter. When winter comes and the snow falls, it blankets everything and makes it look new. Everything beneath it is just as it was before, but we see the world through new eyes for a few months. Each New Year grants us a similar opportunity—not to make everything different, but to look upon all of the things and people in our lives with a new and more hopeful perspective. Breaking trail that day brought a little smidge of peace into my soul that I hadn’t felt...not even on New Year’s Day. And somehow, it made me realize just exactly how I wish to break into my 2014.