Amazing Grace!

“God has chosen you for baptism.”

These words were first spoken to me a few weeks prior to Easter as I underwent my first scrutiny. The moment I heard them I was hit by the weight of the truth behind them. 

When I first announced that I wanted to be baptized into the Catholic Church, the general assumption of many people in my life was that my decision was in direct relation to my Catholic boyfriend of 8 years. They assumed that the reason he hadn’t proposed to me yet was that he wanted me to become Catholic first. They assumed that I had finally succumbed to the pressures of the so-called judgmental Catholics trying to convert the world. Of all the battles I have fought in the year leading up to my baptism, that one was the hardest and most frustrating. It was difficult because it couldn’t have been further from the truth. 

Within the first month of dating Andy, I told him quite bluntly that I would never become Catholic just because I married a Catholic or had children with a Catholic. To me, conversion to any religion for such reasons does a great dishonor to the faith. And I simply have too much respect for religion and faith of any denomination to do such a thing. 

Over the last few years though, I began recognizing God’s calling in me. But I waited until it felt right…..until I knew it was entirely my decision and that it was what God truly wanted for me. The feeling grew so strong that I could no longer ignore it. And from the moment I first approached Deb, the Director of Faith Formation at St. Mary’s, and told her I wanted to be baptized I grew more reassured of my decision and of God’s calling in me with each passing day.

The past 9 months or so of preparation for coming into full communion with the church have been some of the most humbling, reflective, and inspirational days of my life. Through weekly Mass and daily Bible readings on my own time, I came to realize that I have been trying to walk in Christ’s footsteps for much longer than I realized. My attempts to love unconditionally, forgive religiously, and give the very best of myself to everyone I meet…..even if those efforts are never reciprocated…are means of following Christ’s example on Earth. And the backlash I have often received from trying to live this way no longer deters me when I look at the immense suffering and death Christ endured for some of the same reasons. I have spent a great deal of my life feeling misunderstood and outcasted, but I found a welcoming home and place of belonging at St. Mary’s and within the Catholic faith.

From the day I first publically addressed the congregation of my desire for baptism in October, I was embraced with open arms by everyone. And as we moved into Lent, the love and sense of family I felt from the church only grew stronger. I had people come up to me after Mass to tell me that they were praying for me and thought what I was doing was so amazing, particularly because I was the only one who was to be baptized. For that reason, I worried early on that I would feel very alone in the process, but the church community kept that from happening. At the start of Holy Week, I received messages from several people telling me that they were thinking of and praying for me. I even had a co-worker send me a video of a beautiful Easter rendition of the song “Halleluiah.” I have never been so stunned in my entire life than I was by the immense compassion and love I received from the Catholic community in Helena as I neared the Easter Vigil. I was embraced and accepted completely and without hesitation. I have never before experienced such automatic acceptance by any one person, let alone an entire church community.

The night of the Easter Vigil, April 19, 2014, will always hold the place as the best night of my life. I have wanted to be baptized for a long time, but entering into that sacrament with complete certainty that it was what I wanted and knowing that I was answering God’s calling, made it that much more amazing. 

 When I first stepped into the font, everything and everyone around me disappeared. When Father pushed my head underwater, all I remember was hearing his words of “I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.” The water covered my face and head and with each plunge under I felt a greater sense of peace enter my heart. When I rose up after the third time, I kept my eyes closed and felt the water run down my face. I didn’t want to open my eyes because I wanted to breathe in and feel that moment for as long as possible. I am one of the privileged few who will be able to remember that moment of baptism when the Holy Spirit first descends upon them. When I did finally open my eyes, Father's hand was extended down to help me up. I didn't look up to see that it was Father's hand, and truthfully, a piece of me in that moment believed it was Jesus' hand outreached to help me up into my new life.

 

For the remainder of the Vigil after my baptism I felt nothing but immense freedom, peace, and joy. When I first walked down the aisle in my white rope after changing, I felt like a halo of light must’ve been surrounding me for all the happiness I felt. When Father anointed my head with oil and confirmed me, I felt like all of the scattered and broken pieces of my life were fused together in an unbreakable bond. When I went up and received the Eucharist for the first time, I finally felt the significance of that sacrament and was reminded in a profound way of what Christ did for me. Truly feeling His sacrifice makes me want to work so much harder in my own life now to prove to him that His sacrifice was worth it…..that giving His life so that I might live was worth it.

 The Vigil was a night that took me 27 years to get to…..and it was over much too quickly. When I finally got back home later that night about 1 a.m. I sat down and opened the dozens of cards and gifts that people had given me. There was so much generosity. After I posted on Facebook, “Baptized….Confirmed…Catholic,” I watched as over 70 of my friends liked my status and congratulated me over the next two days. And the astounding thing is, a lot of those people aren’t even Catholic. But their actions spoke volumes…..that faith in God or something greater than ourselves is a universal thing and anyone who is brave enough to walk in that divine light is someone to be admired and praised.

Being baptized and coming into full communion with the Church left me feeling so many things. I stood in front of my mirror at home later that night in my white dress for the longest time---just looking at myself and feeling the weight of the grace and forgiveness I had just received. For me, being baptized felt like God lifted away all of the burdens and brokenness from my life. It felt like He had built an impenetrable wall between where I was now standing and my past. He left me with a clean slate and a second chance to do better. I have spent so long dwelling on people and things that will likely never change. I have dwelled on my mistakes and inadequacies. But God constructed a wall during my baptism as a way of separating me from what I was and who I would become through His love. It felt like he was grabbing my hand and telling me it was time to move forward with my eyes focused on all that He still had planned for me. It is a journey I am ready to begin.

Upon learning that I had finally been baptized, a friend and fellow Catholic, told me, “Welcome Home.” If she only knew how much of a home it really feels like to me. I have found a home at St. Mary’s, with the universal church, and with Christ. I have finally entered into a home where I am accepted for who I am----flaws, sins and all. And knowing that has filled me with a light that will never be extinguished. 

I do believe that God foresaw this night and my communion with Him long ago. All of the blessings, and obstacles, and individuals He has brought into my life so far, He did so in order to guide me to this point. God alone called me to baptism. He alone carried me this far. And He alone will carry me until I arrive at His most perfect home and kingdom.