Don't let the word "CANT" define you

This afternoon I started thinking about choices. But more importantly I pondered about the freedom, or lack thereof, we have to make choices in life, whether they be about relationships, jobs, lifestyles, etc. The thing about the choices we make is that every single person in our life is going to have an opinion about them and the rationale we used to come to them. And more often than not, people are not going to agree with the paths we choose to go down and they make damn sure we know it.  I always try to respect people’s opinions and listen to their advice, even if I don’t agree with it. But I can’t help but wonder how often we stop listening to the desires of our own heart and instead conform to the opinions of those around us. Is it because it is easier than fighting for what we really want? Because we want people to think well of us? Or is it because we live in a society where the majority tends to rule and dissention is unacceptable. All of the above and then some are probably culprits, but either way the facts remain. This truth about the real dictators of people’s choices in life has been a hard reality for me to swallow for most of my life.

There was a time when I had to hear the heart-wrenching words from a boy I liked that he couldn’t date me because of how it would look to the other girls at school. What he meant to say was because of my so-called “rank” in high school society, it would be unacceptable for him to be seen with me. That was the moment I realized how truly different I was, and instead of trying to conform to win this guy or anyone else over, I pushed myself into a hard sprint in the opposite direction. I have never once looked back.

There isn’t a single person in my life that I haven’t given 100% of myself to. I do my best to always support and stand up for people, encourage them, and be there for them before they even realize they really need someone to help them. But a lot of these people, while grateful and appreciative in the moment, often forget about me moments later. I don’t want a gold star for the things I’ve done because my only motivation for doing them was love. I do, however, wish that people wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss me out of their lives just because other people tell them they shouldn’t associate with me. I wish these people would still meet my eyes on the street instead of walking by and pretending they don’t know me.

I have also been told before that the relationships and friendships I want with some people, CAN’T happen. After bandaging the wound from the initial blow of these words, I did what a typical writer would do and actually analyzed their words. I find it interesting how often people have said the word CAN’T to me about one thing or another. If they had said WON’T then I would respect the fact that that was their decision and I’d move on. But they use the trickier word, can’t, which tells me immediately that other people are making their decision in those moments. And while that reality stings, the truly sad part to me is that these people have surrendered their freedom of choice.

I understand that there are often severe and irreversible consequences from going against the grain, but the consequences that scare me more are those that come from conformity and bowing down to ultimatums. The people I’m closest to are very blunt about the fact that they don’t always understand how I live my life or why I befriend and stay true to some of the people I do. But they have come to respect my choices nonetheless because of how firm I stand by them and how much I’m willing to sacrifice for them.

The way I see it, you only get one shot at this life and I wouldn’t want to come to the end of it and realize that I lived it according to other people. People are always going to judge you, and give you ultimatums and try and tell you what the “right” thing to do is. You should always take the time to hear what people have to say, but in the end you need to do what’ s right for you, even if that means pissing off everyone else. The thing about other people’s choices are, you don’t have to like them but you sure as hell need to respect them---especially when you see them fighting for even just one of them harder than you’ve ever thought of fighting for anything in your life. And if someone ever steps in and fights battles for things in your life that you don’t have the strength to fight for, don’t ever let that person go because only a true person would step into a losing battle when they have nothing to gain but everything to lose.