One of the most liberating experiences of my life thus far
was in writing my senior honors thesis in college. I made the decision just
before starting my senior year that my thesis would be comprised of a
collection of poems. What ultimately made this decision liberating was the fact
that all of the poems, 20 of them in total, drew from personal experiences and
relationships in my own life. And every week, I had to offer up these precious
and often painful memories framed in stanza format to my fellow critiquing
English majors. Every negative comment struck like a bat to the chest—knocking the
wind out of me. You’d think this would’ve deterred me from continuing to write
poems based on my life. But it didn’t.
And when it came time to present my final poetry collection
at my thesis reading in April, I announced to the world in my abstract, that all
of the poems were based on my life. And I knew as soon as people were made
aware of that fact, they never looked at me or my poems the same.
I took memorable and life-changing moments from my life,
laid them out for the world to see, and was thus liberated through my honesty.
The second most liberating experience of my life—one which
spans numerous years, --- has been the choice to practice a practically extinct
art form: the handwritten letter. Anyone who knows me fairly well knows that I
best express myself through writing….which is good since I’m trying to be a
writer. But the reason most people know this about me is because of the
handwritten letters I have probably sent them at least a time or two.
My letters are so brutally honest---about my thoughts,
feelings, desires, and fears, that they even scare me sometimes. The kind of
things I’ve written about in letters to people are the same things all of us
think and feel, but hardly any of us actually vocalize----even in letters. For
some, writing letters is an escape route from actually having to say those
things to the person’s face. For me, it’s simply the best way I know how to say
everything. I used to hold my breath
every time I would drop one of my letters in the mailbox…knowing that it may or
may not be received well due to the extreme honesty of it. I knew I risked
damaging the relationships I have with some of the people I care about the
most. But somewhere along the line, I stopped caring. And I kept writing.
Some people think my letters are crazy. Some simply
appreciate the fact that I took the time to hand write them. But I’d be willing
to bet that every single one of them, on some level, respects the fact that I
had the guts to put all of myself out there like that.---to put down in ink
every feeling in my heart and then slap a stamp on it as my own personal seal
of approval and finality. And the thing is, every person I have ever written an
incredibly personal and honest letter to, still talks to me. I’m pretty sure
most of them still think I’m crazy and in need of some sort of censoring
medication, but they still talk to me. And that’s why I know that if nothing
else, they respect the fact that I wrote those letters. They respect it because
they know they don’t have the guts to do it themselves.
My letters and my poems taught me how to be honest…not just
in writing but in how I live my life. Being honest taught me how to free myself
from all the fears and self-doubt plaguing my existence. And being free from
those burdens wills me on as a writer and human being each and every day.
Life is so short, and you may only get one opportunity to
say something important to that one person you really need to hear it. So say
it. Say it to their faces, but if you can’t, say it in a letter. In my opinion,
letters are a far more intimate and thorough way of getting the point across
anyways. 
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