What you are looking for is already in you

Two Christmas Eves ago, while I was unwrapping presents at my parents’ house, I came across a flat square present addressed to me from my cousin Sam. After carefully tearing away the paper, I saw that it was a plain black picture frame with a single line of texted matted in the center. Upon more careful observation, I saw that the words were actually a quote: “What you are looking for is not out there, it is in you.” The quote was by Helen Keller.  I knew instantly that no other Christmas gift received that year would compare to this humble one, and also, that I would never forget Miss Keller’s words.

“What you are looking for is not out there, it is in you.” It’s a simple quote, but I find myself continually revisiting it and discovering new significance behind it.

One of the first moments I really felt the weight of meaning behind the quote was last August when I attempted a marathon solo bicycle ride from Helena to Lincoln, MT and back again.  It took me over 14 hours to complete the 137 mile journey. From inclement weather and mechanical issues with my bike, to excruciating back and butt pain that never went away, I wondered nearly every mile of my ride whether I would make it.  

Then, when I was about 30 miles away from Helena again, I summited Flesher Pass. It was the second of two major passes I knew I’d have to climb on my trip. The moment I saw the top of Flesher, I knew I would make it. That was also the moment I gained some perspective on what Helen Keller’s quote truly meant.

There have been so many times in my life when I’ve prayed for strength to overcome a challenging time. There have been times where I’ve laid curled in a ball on the floor sobbing because I felt too weak to do anything else. There was a time once that when people told me I couldn’t do something, I believed them. There was a time in high school gym class, where jogging one mile seemed like the hardest thing I’d ever do. And yet, when I pedaled my way over the top of Flesher Pass that day and continued on to complete a 137 mile bike ride, I finally realized that all the things I’d prayed for, all of the qualities I’d sincerely believed I didn’t have in me, all the goals I was often told I was incapable of achieving----I finally realized that all of those assets and qualities to do and be anything and everything I wanted to, were already in me. I had just spent too much time LOOKING for them externally, rather than looking internally where I should have trusted they already were.

While I found new strength and determination inside me on my bike ride, I found a new level of courage inside me a few months ago when my dad convinced me to start playing hockey. At first I thought he was crazy. How could the girl who did ballet for 13 years and never played a team sport in her life play on a hockey team? But he bought me the gear and I hit the ice. I was absolutely petrified during my first game and didn’t have a clue what I was doing. But by the time the buzzer sounded for the end of the third period, I knew that I was in love with the game.

During my second game, while I was waiting for the zamboni to finish resurfacing the ice, I discovered that I had lost my stick amongst the long line of everyone else’s sticks along the wall. Having only really played with it during that first game, I couldn’t honestly remember what it looked like. Thankfully, my dad helped me find the stick just in the nick of time for our game to start. He explained to me that he had the same problem, and showed me how he wrote the letters “TCB” (his signature logo) on the end of his stick handle so he wouldn’t lose it. For those unfamiliar, TCB, standing for Taking Care of Business, was part of Elvis Presley’s famous emblem. I made a mental note to come up with my own logo and put it on my stick later so I wouldn’t misplace it again.  

After a lot of long nights wearing sweaty hockey pads, one miraculous goal, and a lot of encouragement from my dad, I somehow managed to finish my rookie season of hockey. I took on a sport I knew nothing about and could barely play and stuck it out as the only woman on the team. I don’t think anyone was as astonished as I was. When I skated off the ice after that last game, I snuck a quick glance down at my stick handle where I had written the word “FEARLESS” with a black sharpie. I smiled knowing that I didn’t believe that about myself when I stepped onto the ice for that first game, but now I was certain of it.

No matter who you are or how capable or talented you think you might be, there is always a part of us that wishes we were stronger, braver, or more accomplished. But the thing is, all of the things we think we need to become that person, are already inside us. We merely need to tap into them. As my dad reminded me on the night I scored my first hockey goal, even Wayne Gretzky started with a single goal. I kept that in mind during every game I played after as well as the fact that what I was looking for was not out there….but in me. And all I’d really been looking for all my life, but only recently found, was that element of fearlessness that I now know will sustain me through anything.